AnAn is me.

For you

Thursday, September 15, 2011 9:22 PM

After typing the title, i realised i've never written a blog for anyone except myself.

there're lots of things on my mind i want to say. but the problem is, whenever i get down to listing them out, they seem to all go into hiding.

perhaps i shall ~~talk~~ about the top thought on my mind.

these nine days have been difficult. struggling, strangling. mainly because of the things that comes into my mind, the things i hear, those eyes i see. not to forget you accompanied with your voice ringing away. painful.

she wouldn't bother about you if she doesn't like you.

True, it's not the disheartening that kills me, though.

You're like banging your head on the wall.

If i have been banging my head on the wall all these while, i must have been stabbing myself for those nine days.

Giveup, giveup, just giveup.

Not to forget about this kind person chanting away.

these are just few of the whole lot that was pushed into me for those nine days. but im sure, if they could get that whole lot to me in nine days, they must have said much more in the past year. this shouldn't be the case. i'm sure there are dozens out there not wanting to even hear my name, or perhaps be hearing a topic that includes ~~Anthony Chan~~. this was in fact the first thing that came to my mind back in july ~~last year~~.

Then again, if i ~~ever~~ publish this post, i won't want you to see it. because you shouldn't know any of this. often, the things we know changes us. it changes our attitude, the way we approach people. i don't want you to use what you know about me, against me. never. please.

i know what it means when i see those eyes. i don't know if it's because of your shyness, or you intended ignoring state. but it is definitely not the usual ones i see. that's the only reason i keep my eyes on yours more than 3 seconds before i do anything. anything at all. because thereafter you would rise your brows. i always feel a heartmelting sensation whenever that happens. serious. anyways, therefore it would indicate something when there's ~~less than 1 second~~ of eye contact. how accurate is that? i don't know. i really don't know. but it's deterring. that's definite.

not sure if you ever noticed. usually, i'm the one who initiates conversations with my friends. but with you? i don't know what or where has gone wrong. but it's a fact i miss listening to you. the first day i took train with you and everyone from Dover all the way to ~~Pasir Ris~~, was the day i listened, while you shared. it was definitely not yesterday. it seemed to have set the stage for future conversations. perhaps the problem lies with me not being able to strike up a ~~proper~~ i mean usual conversation with you?

It is definitely easier to text you, than you talk to you in channel possible.

sometimes, it's really obvious. the eye-contact, the text you send, if you go away from your usual, it's really obvious. i can feel it. either there's something serious you want to say to me, or you're not the one who texted.

i keep having these thoughts, these emotions.

never ever change what you have been doing in hope that to terminate these thoughts and emotions. because for all you know, it will become worse.

and then i realised i don't know you. but whoever has set rules you can't like the girl you don't know? in fact, very long time ago, someone told me:

很好很好的朋友是不可以在一起的。因为他们太了解对方了。

i don't know how true any of these is. but both statments when interpreted together, doesn't make any sense. at all.

and then i come to this point of realisation that i shouldn't listen to anything i hear. which of them are true, which of them aren't? which of them are just pure guesses?

We all don't know what she wants/is doing.

side-track abit, i think the whole batam trip team, only mr ho doesn't know. poor him. hahaha

and there's this person i ~~don't~~ talk to anymore. a better word to use may be avoid. we both know the reason. or perhaps, the whole world already knows. she's another person whom i used to talk to quite a lot and often, who also doesn't know what both of us wants. and for your info, i have been talking as much as i have even before ~~forget it~~. this doesn't matter now anymore anyway.

You will find me where you left me.

that was what i told her. how much we don't talk now won't change how much we will talk about. we can always talk like we used to, in the possible future. although nothing's definite, it doesn't change anything.

If you're okay, i'll be okay.

--Yours sincerely,
~~Your burden~~

she keeps asking why i keep thinking this way. but i guess not letting go makes you a burden. i can imagine her saying the big, NO.